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Cell Phone/Transcript
Brent Leroy: There you go, Davis. It's $7.15. Davis Quinton (phone): Uh-huh? Uh-huh, sure. Brent: $7.15. Davis (phone): No, I'm at the gas station. I'm just paying now. Brent: If only that were true. $7.15. Davis (phone): Oh, okay. Bye. Davis: How much? Brent: Ten bucks. Davis: Just talking on my new cell phone. See how tiny it is? When I went to the police academy, they had cell phones the size of a brick. Wanda Dollard: You know who I liked in "Police Academy." That sound effects guy. Bang, bang, pow! Davis: The reception's not great, but it'll get better once they put in the new transmitter. Wanda: You'd think a guy who can do sound effects like that would have Hollywood at his feet. Brent (phone): Hello. No, I didn't lose it, Dad. How could I be talking to you on it if I lost it? All right, goodbye. Davis: Boy, that sure is a small cell phone. How did you get one so small? Brent: Oh, I don't know. Some guys are just lucky I guess. Wanda: Stomp, stomp, slam. Fitzy Fitzgerald: Lacey, I love being Mayor, but this is the worst part of my job. Lacey Burrows: What? Having to wear that button? Fitzy: No. I...what's wrong with the button? Lacey: Well, I, I don't get it. "I heart" and then the... Fitzy: A picture of a dog, a picture of the river. "I love Dog River." Lacey: Well, why has it got five legs? Fitzy: That's a line. It, it means he's jumping. You know, whoosh. Lacey: Oh. I thought it was a rat. I hate rats. Fitzy: Anyway... Lacey: I saw a swarm of them in the field. Is that what you call a group of rats, a swarm? Fitzy: How many were there? Lacey: Well, two. Fitzy: Then I'd call that a couple. Lacey: Do you think rat traps are humane? Fitzy: I don't know. Lacey: I hope not. Rats, ugh. Fitzy: Look, I've got some bad news for you. Your application to join the Dog River Chamber of Commerce has been rejected. Lacey: You, you reject people from the Chamber of Commerce? Fitzy: We can't accept everyone that applies. Lacey: Well, how many people did you turn down? Fitzy: Just you. Oscar Leroy: Hey, jackass. Where's the shuffleboard table? Paul: It's gone. Oscar: What? Did it grow legs and walk out of the bar? Paul: No. It got kicked out because it called me a jackass. Oscar: You can't have a bar without a shuffleboard. Might as well get rid of the dartboard. Paul: We never had a dartboard. Oscar: You're crazy. I was throwin' darts in here on Saturday. Paul: Yeah, I know. Oscar: But what have you got here? The claw? That's for kids. Might as well turn the place into a damn petting zoo. Is that what you want? A buncha kids rolling around in here with zebras and kitty cats? Paul: You've never been to a petting zoo, have you? Oscar: You like this claw so much, maybe the claw should get your tip. Oh, I was wrong, Paul. This claw's fun. I like this claw. Call Emma, 'cause I'm not comin' home. Hey, I got one. Karen Pelly: Have you seen these buttons? "I heart" and then there's a dog with like, a stick in it. Davis: It's a line coming off the dog showing he's thinking, "I love Dog River." Karen: He's inside his own thought balloon. Are you allowed to do that? Davis: Do you think my new cell phone is small? Karen: I don't know. Davis: Brent's got a smaller one. I mean I wasn't looking at it on purpose. He had it out and I just glanced at it. Karen: Right. Davis: But mine is small, right? I mean how small would you say is normal? You get an inaccurate idea because you see smaller ones in movies and magazines and stuff. But for a normal person's cell phone, mine is small, smaller than average. Karen: I don't think anyone really cares as long as it works. Brent: So you actually got rejected by the Chamber of Commerce? Ouch. Lacey: Yeah. They said I wasn't involved in the community enough. Hank Yarbo: What exactly is a Chamber of Commerce, anyway? Brent: I don't know. There's a chamber and they go in there and do commerce. Hank: Chamber? What kinda chamber? Lacey: So I'm thinking of ways I could get involved. You know, maybe I could coach junior sports or something. I used to be pretty good at track and field. Brent: The town doesn't have a track. You could coach field. Lacey: Ugh, a field full of rats. Brent: What? Hank: Is the chamber airtight? Brent: Why would it be airtight? Hank: Aren't all chambers airtight? Brent: A torture chamber's not airtight. If it was, the torture guy would die. Hank: They're not gonna meet in a torture chamber, Brent. I mean, geez. Are they? Lacey: You know what? Maybe I could raise money for charity. Brent: I knew a high school teacher who raised 600 bucks by shaving off his moustache. I'm not suggesting you have a moustache. Hank: Nothin' good ever happened in a chamber. That's my point. Brent: What did you mean a field full of rats? Hank: A buncha people meetin' in a chamber. It sounds like some kinda cult to me. Lacey: It's not a cult, Hank. They just need to see that I have community spirit. Hank: Why don't you get one of those "I love Dog River" pins, you know, where the goat's got the spear... Oscar: Give me a roll of loonies. Lacey: Uh. Oh, Oscar, I only have one. What if somebody else wants loonies? Oscar: Tell them you don't give change. Brent: What do you need loonies for, Dad? Oscar: Let me answer your question with a question. Shut up. Lacey: You know what? I'm gonna get rat traps. Brent: Oh, Dad. You dropped your bunny. Brent: Is there something I can help you with, Davis? Davis: No, just browsing. Brent: For paraffin? Davis: That's right. I'll take this one. Davis (phone): Hello? Karen (phone): All right, it's 10:30 and I'm calling your cell phone like you wanted. OK? Davis (phone): Oh. Karen (phone): Okay, I'm hanging up now. Davis (phone): Oh, thank you, oh, okay. Bye-bye. Davis: My new cell phone. Brent: Didn't you just have a new cell phone? Davis: Yeah. I had some, uh, battery problems, so I replaced it with this new unit. Check it out. Wanda: Wow! I thought Brent's was small. This makes his look like something from a soviet submarine. Davis: I suppose it's a little bit smaller. Actually, I know it's smaller. I saw them side by side in the store. Wanda: Do you get good reception on that? Davis: It'll get better once we get the new transmitter. Wanda: Cool phone, Davis. Davis: Well, so long as it works. Brent: Can you believe that? Davis drove all the way into the City just to get a new cell phone to outdo me. I think that's pathetic. Wanda: Who cares that's what you think, big phone? Emma Leroy: Thanks for your help, Lacey. Lacey: Oh, well, you know me, always involved in the community. Emma: Well, normally Oscar gives me a hand. But these days he's always down at the bar. At first I thought he was in there drinking, but now I'm getting worried. Lacey: Well listen, if you you'd like to talk about it, please, feel free to come by the Ruby. I like to think of it as kind of a community outreach centre. Emma: Why are you talking like that? You sound like you're trying to get into the Chamber of Commerce or something. Lacey: Oh, not me. Bunch of people sittin' around a chamber. Well, listen, I'll be interacting with you in and around the community. Kirk Berkley: Hear about the old grain elevator? Old Farmer #2: Yeah, I hear they're knockin' her down. Berkley: It's been here almost 70 years. Old Farmer #2: Well, I suppose it's just another way the town's changin'. Lacey: Excuse me. Did I just hear you say they're tearing down the grain elevator? Old Farmer #2: No. I said they're knockin' it down. Berkley: Snoopy Magoo. Old Farmer #2: There was a time you could walk down the street and nobody would talk to ya. Brent: Hey, why does this cow have five legs? Lacey: Ah, it means it's jumping or something. Put the button down for a second and listen to me. Brent: All right. What's up? Lacey: Okay, I heard these two old guys talking about the grain elevator. Brent: Ah, you're losing me. I'm going back to the button. Lacey: Brent, they're tearing it down. Brent: Two old guys are gonna tear down an entire grain elevator? Lacey: This could be my community project. I get the elevator declared a historic site, that way they won't tear it down, and I get into the Chamber of Commerce. Brent: Why would they declare it a historical site? It's just a grain elevator. Lacey: C'mon? Doesn't being on the planet for almost 70 years automatically lend some sort of dignity and importance? Oscar: What ya lookin' at? Lacey: I still say it's worth a shot. Brent: All right. We'll go to the library, do some research. Lacey: Thank you. Is that your phone? Brent: Yeah. Lacey: Well, are you gonna answer it? Brent: No. Lacey: Why not? Brent: Because Wanda will make fun of me. Wanda: Hey, hey, big phone. I can hear your big phone ringing from way over here. Emma: What are you doing? Oscar: None of your business. Emma: You're going through my purse. Oscar: So? Can't a man go through his wife's purse in private? Emma: You're trying to get coins for that claw machine down at the hotel bar. Oscar: I'm hot. There's a fuzzy lobster over there that's got my name on it. Emma: You're hooked, Oscar. Oscar: You're nuts. Emma: Oh, you're hooked. Oscar: I know what you're doing. You're saying I'm hooked so I'll quit just to show you I'm not hooked. Well, it won't work. I'm not hooked and I won't quit. Now fork over the coins so I can get my lobster. Emma: Oh, sorry I tried to trick you. You play because you have to, not because you want to. It's not your fault. Oscar: No, no, no, I play because I want to. It is my fault. Emma: Please, go to the bar. Stay all night, I won't wait up. Oscar: Who are to tell me to play all night. I'll stop when I want to. Emma: You won't stop. Oscar: Oh, yeah? What if I stop right now? Emma: Please. Oscar: I'm putting my foot down. No more claw. Just don't come crying to me if you need a fuzzy lobster. Hank: What ya doin'? Oscar: Nothin'. Hank: Jonesin' for the claw? Oscar: What? Hank: You've got a habit. Oscar: You're nuts. Hank: You're gonna have to hit rock bottom before you admit you've got a problem. You're not the only one, ya know. For a while, there, I, uh, I was addicted to Whack-A-Mole. Employee: The park is closing, sir. Hank: Back off! I'm on a roll. Oscar: Did that actually happen? Hank: Whether or not that actually happened isn't the point. The point is I got help. I called a hotline. Oscar: I don't need to call a stupid hotline and talk to some jackass. Hank: You kiddin' me? Hotlines are the best. You know who I call? I call the product information number on the side of the toothpaste. It's great. Only they don't pick up anymore. I think they got that call display. Lacey: Man, am I in the wrong business. You know where the real money is? Rat traps. Brent: Oh, hi, Davis. I brought you some paraffin. I saw you eyeballing it at the store and figured you forgot. Davis: Well, uh, thanks. Brent: Oh, by the way, have you seen this? A new cell phone. Check it out. Karen: Wow. Look at that. It's minuscule. Hey, Davis? Brent: Eh, Davis? Can you see it? You want me to hold it closer? Davis: I thought you had a cell phone. Brent: Oh, that thing? I gave that to my Mom. She loves it, uses it all the time. Emma: Hold it. Brent: Anyways, when we get the new transmitter the signal will be digital, you know, I'll be getting the time from a satellite. So I'll know what time it is in outer space. Karen: That is so useful. Brent: And it's got a colour screen. I don't know if you can see that, on account of it being so small. Anyway, you're probably anxious to do some canning or whatnot with that paraffin. So, if you have any problems, just give me a call, anytime. I have a cell phone. Karen: I didn't know you were into canning. Oscar: Give me loonies, and don't tell Emma. Paul: Sure thing. You on a health kick or something? Oscar: What are you talkin' about? Paul: You never drink anymore. You just sit there playing claw. Matter of fact, the other night I poured you a beer, you didn't even drink it. Oscar: Rock bottom. Lacey: Hey, Brent, good news. I just got off the phone with the Ministry of Culture. They're declaring the grain elevator an historical site. Brent: Hey, that's great. Lacey: Ah, thanks for helping me write that letter. Brent: You did all the work. Lacey: Well, you picked the font. Brent: You can't go wrong with times new roman. Still, I wish you'd let me use the clipart. Lacey: Yeah, well, I didn't think that stars and rainbows were gonna help, though. Brent: All right. Let's not re-fight this battle. The main thing is, you did something good for the town. Lacey: I did, didn't I? Oh hey, do you want to announce the good news at the bar tonight? Brent: Hmm, go to a bar, at night? A little unorthodox, but all right. Hotline Volunteer (phone): Anonymous gambling hotline. Oscar (phone): My name is, ah, Oscar Leroy, L-E-R... Hotline Volunteer (phone): That's all right, sir. We don't use last names. Oscar (phone): What are you talking about, you don't use last names? Hotline Volunteer (phone): This is the anonymous gambling... Oscar (phone): I know who you are. I called you. Hotline Volunteer (phone): You can just make up a name if you like. Oscar (phone): Well, that's a sloppy way to...who am I talking to? Hotline Volunteer (phone): My name is Brad. Oscar (phone): Brad who? Hotline Volunteer (phone): We don't use... Oscar (phone): Don't use last names. I get it, jackass. You know what? Maybe I'll take my business elsewhere. You just lost a customer, smart guy! Emma: Who was that? Oscar: Brad. Paul: Hey, uh, guys, have you seen this button? Wanda: For god's sake. Enough about the button. The dog looks like it's got an extra tail or line or spear in it or something. Brent: She's right. Whoever did it can't draw. Paul: I drew it. Brent: Oh, the heart's good, though. I mean, the dog needs work, but the heart's really good. It looks like a heart. Wanda: You did the letter "i" well. Brent: Really well. Paul: Your lack of civic spirit is disturbing. Don't think the brethren won't be speaking of this at the next Chamber of Commerce meeting. Brent: Way to go. Hank: Hey, Oscar, how did it go with the hotline? Oscar: I'm banned from the hotline. Hank: Really? After just one call? That's impressive. It took me, like, six times. Oscar: I'm not gonna play claw tonight. Hank: Good for you, Oscar. You got willpower. Oscar: That's not the reason I'm not gonna play tonight. Hank: Oh. Hey, Emma. Emma: Get lost. Lacey: Hey, Brent. Are you ready to give the announcement that'll rocket me into the Chamber of Commerce? Brent: Well I haven't done my vocal warm-ups, but... Davis: Okay, let's see it. Brent: What? Davis: Come on, right now. Put it on the table. I got a littler one. Special order, just arrived from Hong Kong. You can't get a smaller cell phone in North America. Lacey: Wow, those are small. Davis: That's right. Lacey: Aww. They're like, kinda like little girl phones. Davis: What? Lacey: Look at you two with your tiny little phones. They're like barbie phones. Davis: They are not barbie phones. Brent: They're spy phones. Lacey: Whatever you say, small phone. What are you guys gonna get next, easy bake ovens? Brent: It doesn't matter how small your phone is. Davis: As long as it works. Lacey: Hmm. Do they work? Davis: Well, no. Brent: We don't really get service yet. Davis: But they'll work better when the town gets the new transmitter. Lacey: Aw, yeah, that'll be good. So then you can call each other and talk about the "Power Puff Girls." Davis: She's just jealous. Brent: Phone envy. Lacey: Hello? Paul: And here's your change. Sorry about all the loonies. Emma: Oh, for Pete's sake, go ahead. Lacey: Excuse me, everybody. Um, Brent and I have an announcement that we would like to make. Fitzy: I've got terrible news, everybody. They're not building the cell phone tower. Wanda: What happened? Fitzy: The phone company couldn't get the land they wanted. They wanted to put it up by the train tracks, but some fool has gone and declared the grain elevator an historic site. Hank: The grain elevator? Where all the rats are coming from? Paul: This town would be rat free if it wasn't for that eyesore. Berkley: Gettin' rid of that elevator would be another way this town is changin'. Old Farmer #2: Changing for the better. Hank: Okay, now, look, everyone. I, I know this is terrible news and we're all very angry at whatever idiot cost us our cell phone tower, but well, Lacey was in the middle of sayin' something and I think we should let her finish. Lacey: No. Hank: Go ahead, Lacey. Lacey: Uh, well. Well, I was, uh, I was just going to announce that, um, that down at the Ruby we're, uh, we're gonna change the soup. Tomorrow we're gonna have a different soup of the day. Davis: But isn't the soup of the day different every day? Lacey: And we are gonna continue with that. Hank: Well, all right. Brent, what was your announcement? Brent: Oh, uh, I was just going to say that, uh, I support her in in the soup thing. You know, changing the soup every day takes a lot of courage. Lacey: Aw. Let's drink. Lacey: Well, I think I'm gonna call it an early one. Brent: Yeah, me, me too. Big day tomorrow with the soup thing. Lacey: Whoo. Goodnight, everybody. Brent: Goodnight Mom. Goodnight Dad. Oscar: Yeah. Emma: Yeah. Yes! Brent: Hey, Paul. I see you got rid of the claw machine. Paul: Yeah, it made me some money. But I saw what it was doing to the community and that's not what Paul Kinistino's about. So I replaced it. Brent: How you likin' the V.L.T. Dad? Oscar: Yeah. Brent: Oh, that's me. Brent (phone): Hello? Oh, hi, Mom. Yeah, Dad's still here. Brent: Oh, hi, Davis. Davis: Hi, Brent. Davis (phone): Uh-huh? Category:Transcripts